So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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