Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
