I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
All I want is dick and wine.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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