so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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