If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
