she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
