Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
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