you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
