Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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