"it" just moved
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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