Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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