Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
