i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
