he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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