the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
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