i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
