You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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