I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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