i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
