When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
