My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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