spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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