i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize