Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
