I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
