i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
