I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
