if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
