everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize