In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
