I wish life had little blips of pornography
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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