i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
