im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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