Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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