it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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