Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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