We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
