i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
