I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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