I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
