I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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