ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
