I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize