I showed him my bush... on skype.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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