Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
