My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
