my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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