I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
