Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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