the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
