Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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