Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
