Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
