zippers are such a cool invention
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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