she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
