I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
