I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
