Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have aggressive nipples.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
