Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
